{"id":1018,"date":"2020-04-09T02:00:25","date_gmt":"2020-04-09T07:00:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/?p=1018"},"modified":"2020-07-01T16:04:41","modified_gmt":"2020-07-01T21:04:41","slug":"bearing-our-souls-a-crash-course-in-soothing-the-overwhelming-emotions-of-a-pandemic-part-1-stories-matter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/2020\/04\/bearing-our-souls-a-crash-course-in-soothing-the-overwhelming-emotions-of-a-pandemic-part-1-stories-matter\/","title":{"rendered":"Bearing Our Souls: A Crash Course in Soothing the Overwhelming Emotions of a Pandemic \u2013 PART 1 \u2013 Stories Matter"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

To listen to an audio reading of this post, click here<\/a> or go to bit.ly\/SoulsPart1Audio<\/a><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

May we face our<\/em><\/p>

selves,<\/em><\/p>

in the wilderness and the world,<\/em><\/p>

and recognize<\/em><\/p>

the forces that drive us,<\/em><\/p>

so that they do not always drive<\/em><\/p>

us.<\/em><\/p>

\u2014 P\u00e1draig \u00d3 Tuama<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

On a Thursday evening about four weeks ago, I said goodnight\nto my last therapy client of the week, closed the door behind her, and turned\noff my waiting room lamps. The following Sunday afternoon I sat with my family\nat one of our favorite restaurants, raising a glass of bold red wine over a\nplatter of wood-grilled steak in celebration of my son\u2019s birthday. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

By Monday, the dining room of that restaurant was ordered\nclosed until further notice due to social distancing. I spent the following\ndays startled and breathless, helping my therapy clients transition to video\nsessions and setting up Zoom meetings with my training and consultation groups. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

None of us average humans saw this coming. Nothing prepared\nus for the abrupt shift from a society of plenty within a robust economy where\nwe took our daily social interactions for granted, to the communal throb of\nfear, uncertainty, and aching social separation that reverberates within every\nhousehold today. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The moment my eyes opened in the dark that Tuesday morning,\nawareness of the wrongness of the world announced itself in the pit of my\nstomach. My emotions began a then-unfamiliar (but now all-too-familiar) careening\nabout. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My heart pounded; my mouth was dry. I pulled the covers over\nmy head, grabbed my husband and squeezed him, refused to get up. Finally I\nforced myself out of bed and crept downstairs to drink my morning coffee with\ntrembling hands. I stared numbly at my blank journal pages, scribbled until\nfeeling returned. I wrote about all the people I care about who were now unreachable\nto me, and sobs poured out of my throat. After snot-crying for several minutes,\nI closed the journal, blew my nose. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A sudden surge of trauma-survival-learned strength\nelectrified my limbs. Determination buoyed me through my day, energizing me to offer\nclear-eyed care to my clients and the other therapists I teach and support. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

After the final video session that evening I closed my\ncomputer and my body went slack once again, just as another wave of sobs poured\nthrough me. This time my sobs were of relief and gratitude\u2014relief that my work\nallowed me to connect with and support these people who were so important to\nme; gratitude that I had the mettle to do it. I almost fell asleep during\ndinner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pretty much every workday since has looked like that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Emotions.\nEvery last one of us is full of \u2018em in the midst of this craziness. <\/h4>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve\nread the well-intended and not-un-useful mental health\narticles about managing the anxiety that\u2019s running rampant through our veins as\nwe face unprecedented pandemic lockdowns and social distancing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

They all say the things that\nkinda sorta help\u2014mindfulness, exercise, staying connected, controlling what you\ncan, gratitude practice. A couple of them have even said some pretty solid\nthings about the grief that emerges in the wake of the precious things we\u2019ve lost\nin all this craziness. Some reassure that \u201cbeing productive\u201d during a pandemic\nis not a requirement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But none of these articles\naddress the bedrock, existential emotions that generate the anxiety and\/or\nsluggishness. They offer advice for distracting from or allowing feelings, but\nnot understanding<\/em>, expressing, <\/em>and soothing<\/em> the feelings. And they only address the top layer of (very\nimportant) things we\u2019re grieving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In my personal and professional\nexperience, if you don\u2019t name and soothe what you’re really<\/em> feeling,\nall the tools are simply band-aids. Don\u2019t\nget me wrong, we all need band-aids when we\u2019re bleeding. But we also<\/em> need\nhelp to see the wounds clearly, so we can accurately tend to them and help them\nheal.\n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sure, turning toward<\/em>\npainful emotions is counterintuitive. I learned that when I lived through a sudden, devastating loss\nalmost 30 years ago. Allowing myself to dive into the pain of my grief was terrifying.\nYet I also learned that the only thing that truly helps with intense emotions\nthat knock you to the ground when life smacks you with something as painful and\nstartlingly unexpected as having your entire way of life yanked out from under\nyou, is having help to understand, soothe, manage the flow of, and work with<\/em> the emotions that flow through you,\neven as everything in you wants to resist those painful emotions. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s why the entire time I\u2019ve been riding the bucking bronco\nof pandemic emotions, I\u2019ve been composing a more complete and accurate article in\nmy head. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because\nof my own experience with wracking grief, the core of the work I do is\nhelping people get to\nthe root of and work with grief and other intense emotions. I\u2019ve gathered solid\ninformation about how intense emotions work in your brain, body, and soul, to\nhelp you discern which<\/em> tools will effectively\ncalm your agitated mind, soothe your aching soul, and inform actions that feel\nright to you. And to help you understand why<\/em>\ndifferent tools will work for you, or not. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the midst of all the uncertainty and fear that surrounds the coronavirus crisis we\u2019re living through together, we have a f***ing opportunity to learn about and care for our deep, true, soulful selves. <\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we\ncan bear to befriend and tend our deepest vulnerability, we can discover our\ncourage, our strength, and our connections with others that cannot be severed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019re\ngonna need all the strength and courage we can get as we make it through the\npandemic itself, and its aftermath.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So I\u2019m\nhere with a series of articles that will comprise a complete crash course for\nunderstanding and soothing your overwhelming emotions. Please join me here in\nPart 1 of the series.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bearing Our Souls, Part 1: Stories Matter<\/em><\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Demystifying people\u2019s behavior helps to regulate it. <\/em>\u2014 Stephen Porges<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

We live\nin a culture that spews praise for resilience and advice for fixing anything\nthat hurts. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In only\nthree weeks since shelter-in-place orders arrived, some of my clients whose\nbodies tell them they need to slow down, pull in, and rest, feel ashamed\nbecause they can\u2019t seem to follow the media\u2019s tips for using their at-home\n\u201cdown-time\u201d to be productive. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Others\nfeel like there\u2019s something wrong with them because following tips for\nmindfulness practices and gratitude lists that are intended to \u201cinoculate them\nfrom anxiety,\u201d inevitably fall short and their fears break through into the\nopen again. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Still\nothers feel ashamed because they feel okay and want<\/em> to sew masks and clean out their drawers, and they\u2019re afraid\nthey must be hard-hearted because they\u2019re not suffering enough. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even\nthe folks who understand that the grief that\u2019s part of all this is normal\neither don\u2019t know how to manage the grief, or feel guilty that they\u2019re grieving\n\u201csmaller\u201d things than lost jobs or ill relatives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s the problem with a society that doesn\u2019t deal with existential pain: <\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019re implicitly fed the idea that there\u2019s a right way and a wrong way to make it through a crisis. And we\u2019re given tools for distracting from hard emotions (since they must be fixed), but not given tools for understanding what the emotions are and how to help ourselves express and manage them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

These\nstories our culture tells us about emotions are disempowering and shaming.\nWe\u2019re missing accurate<\/em> stories about\nwhat\u2019s happening to us when we face difficult situations and feelings that\nwon\u2019t go away, stories that empower us and help us to feel soothed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What Makes an Accurate Story?<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Stephen Porges<\/a> is a scientist who describes what\nhappens in your body and nervous system when you get scared. He describes how when something traumatic happens to you\n(like suddenly and unexpectedly being ordered to stay at home and distance yourself\nfrom all of your social connections in order to protect yourself and your loved\nones from a deadly disease), your body and your emotional self (accurately) perceive\ndanger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When your nervous system perceives intense\ndanger like this, it naturally generates extreme and chaotic-feeling\nfight\/flight and shutting-down physical and emotional reactions as protections against the danger<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That is, your body and\nemotions respond to your perceived dangerous circumstances first on a survival\nlevel, beyond any thought or plan. Then, because your emotional, physical, and\nbehavioral responses may be bizarre-looking and unfamiliar, you (as a\nmeaning-making creature) create elaborate stories to make sense of what your\nbody and emotions are doing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The stories you create to\nexplain your painful emotions, body states, and behaviors are usually\nunconscious and unspoken. You\u2019re unaware of the fact that you\u2019ve made up a\nstory to explain what\u2019s happening to you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The important thing to\nrealize about these stories is that they play a crucial role in whether you\nbecome afraid of your emotions (and thus make them worse), or whether you can\nreflect on your emotions, and so express them, make meaning of them, and allow\nthem to heal you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When your reactions are unfamiliar\nand distressing to you (like the ones most of us are experiencing in the midst\nof all this), and<\/em> they\noccur in a society that judges and denigrates long-lasting and intense fear responses, the stories you create are often\nself-judging: \u201cSomething\u2019s wrong with me. I need to make this stop.\u201d \u201cIf I were resilient, I wouldn\u2019t be so\noverwhelmed.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The media\u2014representing a culture that\u2019s frightened\nby the intensity of the collective distress\u2014aligns with these invalidating\nstories, and perpetuates the fear of your (very understandable) emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dr. Porges\u2019 theory leads to a\nmore empowering, normalizing story:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Multiple aspects of your\ncurrent pandemic situation\u2014such as shockingly sudden social distancing from\nyour community, fear of an illness that\u2019s wreaking havoc around the world,\nsuddenly having to work from home or losing a job overnight, and more\u2014can generate\noverwhelming distress; enormous emotions you can\u2019t always control; and potentially\nextreme physical symptoms. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

These feelings and sensations\nare simply signals of a perception of danger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No matter who you are or how\nmuch support you have, when your body and emotions are pelted with external and\ninternal cues such as these that shout danger, <\/em>the intense physical and\nemotional reactions sweeping through all of us in one way or another, naturally\narise to help you survive in the newly dangerous territory. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

These emotional reactions are not only \u201cappropriate,\u201d but are <\/strong><\/em>intelligent<\/strong> and <\/strong><\/em>protective<\/strong> under the circumstances. <\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rather than self-judging, you can be self-reassuring, telling yourself\nthe truth that, \u201cThese reactions\nare actually my body taking care of itself in a situation fraught with danger.\nI can learn to work with<\/em> these\nfeelings so that they can guide me to safety and healing.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The other truth that comes\nfrom Dr. Porges is that though aspects of emotional responses to threat are\nuniversal, other aspects are unique to each person. Your history with big\nemotions, your current social environment, your current physical environment,\npast traumas, current grief over other losses, and more, all feed into your\nemotional and physical responses to today\u2019s perception of danger. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

That means comparing your own emotional response to someone else\u2019s doesn\u2019t make any sense at all! Your emotional and physical responses to a frightening situation are just that: YOURS.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A story like this one that\nnormalizes, and even expresses appreciation for, your unique bodily and\nemotional wisdom-within-chaos offers encouragement for you to realize that even\nthough what\u2019s going on looks really messy, you\u2019re in the right place. You just need support to bear the\nintensity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Awaken to Your Stories to Soothe Yourself<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

So remember: even though\nthe stories you tell yourself about your emotions and physical responses arise\nspontaneously and beyond your awareness, you can<\/em> make them conscious, especially now that you know they exist. Then\nyou can work with them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Discovering, naming, and shifting your stories is one of the places within the current environment of uncertainty where you can have a big effect on regulating your emotions. <\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remember that fear and\nanxiety are normal. Feeling okay and energetic is normal. Feeling more tired\nand sluggish than usual is normal. All of it is normal. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I acknowledge that though\nall of what you\u2019re experiencing is normal, it can still be distressing, and you\nstill need comfort. You do indeed need more information to help you deal with\nand manage all the big, normal feelings (or lack thereof), and that\u2019ll be\nforthcoming in future articles. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the meantime, let this\nbe your initial self-reassuring response to your emotions: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s okay that I feel this\nway. These are scary times. I can listen to what my body is telling me I need\nto do (or not do) to cope with this crazy situation. Coping is okay right now. Don\u2019t\nworry whether it\u2019s different from what my friends are doing. My body and my\nemotions are wise, and I will be able to learn more tools for working with myself\nin the midst of this difficult time.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This story will go a long\nway toward creating an initial blanket of comfort around your inflamed\nemotions. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Click here for Part 2<\/a> of this series, where I’ll help you understand what’s so difficult about the uncertainty of the time we’re living through.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Until then, be soft with\nyourself. Remember that you are a unique human being responding to your own\nindividual life situation. What you are feeling makes sense, even if it looks\nand feels crazy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let me know how this reframing of the story of what your emotions are doing helps you to feel calmer\u2026<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

To listen to an audio reading of this post, click here or go to bit.ly\/SoulsPart1Audio May we face our selves, in the wilderness and the world, and recognize the forces that drive us, so that they do not always drive us. \u2014 P\u00e1draig \u00d3 Tuama On a Thursday evening about four weeks ago, I said goodnight to my last therapy client of the week, closed the door behind her, and turned off my waiting room lamps. The following Sunday afternoon I sat with my family at one of our favorite restaurants, raising a glass of bold red wine over a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":1019,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[66,69,57,62,25,68,67],"class_list":["post-1018","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-coronavirus","tag-covid-19","tag-emotion-regulation","tag-emotional-expression","tag-grief","tag-pandemic","tag-story"],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1018","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1018"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1018\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1104,"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1018\/revisions\/1104"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1019"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1018"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1018"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1018"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}