{"id":1113,"date":"2020-08-13T02:00:00","date_gmt":"2020-08-13T07:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/?p=1113"},"modified":"2020-08-10T17:36:03","modified_gmt":"2020-08-10T22:36:03","slug":"grief-within-grief-what-happens-to-grievers-of-profound-loss-when-an-entire-community-is-grieving","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/2020\/08\/grief-within-grief-what-happens-to-grievers-of-profound-loss-when-an-entire-community-is-grieving\/","title":{"rendered":"Grief Within Grief: What Happens to Grievers of Profound Loss When an Entire Community Is Grieving?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

To listen to an audio reading of this post, click here<\/a> or go to bit.ly\/GriefWithinGrief<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Grief is a tidal wave that overtakes you,<\/em> smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,sweeps you up into its darkness, where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces, only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped.<\/em><\/p>Stephanie Ericsson
<\/cite><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

What I remember about May of 1992 is the crushing weight of silence. A silence that pressed down hard on my chest during many a random afternoon as I sat inert, watching the clock hands move, while my 14 month old son napped in his crib upstairs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

During that same month, historic floods bore down on my city. People died. People lost their homes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yet the destruction all around me barely registered in my awareness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My whole world had blasted apart\u200a\u2014\u200amy husband had suddenly died in February, leaving me widowed at age 30, alone with a baby son. I was in searing pain, struggling for emotional survival. My singular, unique, personal grief was so intense that I didn\u2019t have the wherewithal to notice or join in collective grief about the floods.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One of my clients describes a similar scenario in her life: Her teenage son died from a terrible terminal illness two days before the World Trade disaster on September 11th 2001. Her life was so wrecked that societal distress and trauma barely made an impression on her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When the bedrock of your life has shattered, grief and pain are so overwhelming and intense that there\u2019s no room to take in or respond to traumas outside the immediate center of your life.<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Even though all <\/em>grief in response to the pandemic is legitimate and needs to be welcomed and held, I\u2019m here to offer extra support to those of you who have sustained a soul-crushing loss of someone dear to you just before or during this pandemic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Grief: It\u2019s Not Just One Thing<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Our culture is so emotionally unintelligent that we lump all grief into a one-size-fits-all package. Which is completely inaccurate. And we\u2019re not very good at dealing with any <\/em>kind of grief at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think that\u2019s why people who grieve feel so alone or pathologized or confused in our society.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The pandemic has generated countless losses and disruptions for almost every person alive. And because of our cultural ineptness with painful emotions, many people have been struggling with the grief and anger and anguish about all of these losses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s why I\u2019ve been writing to help you understand, name, soothe, and express those painful emotions<\/a>\u2014 to contribute to the emotional skills and understanding of everyone in our society, so that everyone can bear and receive comfort in grief. No matter what your grief is for, no matter how large or small the loss.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yet grief is complex. It\u2019s not just one thing. There are many more layers to explore.<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

As you learn to face and express your own painful emotions, you learn how to accompany others when they feel painful emotions, instead of perpetuating the isolation that so often accompanies grief in our world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Different Losses, Different Griefs<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

They truth is that there are different types of loss.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Which means there are different types of grief.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

All<\/em> grief is necessary, valid, and important.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

All<\/em> grief, expressed, leads to the adaptive actions of seeking support, pulling in to heal, and softening into gratitude and compassion. (See my post<\/a> with more details about this.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yet some losses pierce to the center of your being and shatter life as you know it. Grief due to these kinds of enormous losses calls for <\/em>additional support and understanding.<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Note that I\u2019m not saying that shattering grief is more deserving of support than other griefs. I don\u2019t think it\u2019s accurate or productive to rank the types of grief according to whose grief is more or less valid, or more or less worthy of acknowledgement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yet I am <\/em>saying that loss that smashes the center of your soul is going to last longer, and be heavier and more intense than other types of loss. It\u2019s going to call for more robust understanding from others, and extensive support for a longer period of time than other types of grief.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I love the Stephanie Ericsson quote that opens this post is that it\u2019s an accurate description of the type of grief I\u2019m talking about: Colossal grief. Grief over the loss of someone dear and precious to you, grief over a loss that cuts close to the bone. Grief over traumatic loss, or any loss that shakes the foundation of your being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve written a lot about this kind of grief<\/a> and will continue to write more. Here, let\u2019s explore how this specific type of massive grief might be generating specific experiences within coronavirus time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Contending With Personal, Enormous Grief in the Midst of a Pandemic<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Above, my story and my client\u2019s story\u200a\u2014\u200awhere we couldn\u2019t attend to societal distress during our own times of grief\u200a\u2014\u200aillustrate an aspect of this type of overwhelming grief: It\u2019s all-consuming.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Personal loss of a close loved one can obliterate interest in anything outside of your immediate circle of life. That type of grief can be so shattering that it can cause you to wonder why people who are dealing with grief over losses less central to their very soul are struggling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019ve lost a precious loved one recently, either before or in the midst of this pandemic, you might feel:<\/p>\n\n\n\n