I never raised my hand in class in elementary school, middle school, high school, or college. Never. Not once.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I never asked a question or volunteered an answer, though I often knew the answers to questions the teachers asked. I was too scared to even know I had my own questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
(If you know me now, I\u2019m sure you find this hard to believe. But it\u2019s true. Really.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If a teacher asked me a direct question in front of the class, my heart thudded so high up in my chest that I\u2019d choke on the answer. I responded so quietly that, much to my horror, I had to repeat myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I was around friends or family, you couldn\u2019t shut me up. But I never, ever started conversations with people I didn\u2019t already know well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Back then they called me shy. Now I know I was socially anxious. Horrifically so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
***<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I think I started off as a cautious kid, not a shy one, but I was socialized into being shy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I remember how as a little kid I\u2019d stand at the edge of the playground and watch with wide eyes as the other kids romped around. My mother \u2014 an outgoing and boisterous woman \u2014 couldn\u2019t stand to see me on the sidelines, so she\u2019d almost shove me into the fray, practically shouting, \u201cDon\u2019t be scared! Get on out there!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then I\u2019d feel everyone\u2019s eyes \u2014 kids\u2019, parents\u2019, dogs\u2019, cats\u2019, birds\u2019, earthworms\u2019 \u2014 boring into me. (Do earthworms even have <\/em>eyes?)<\/p>\n\n\n\n At that point, I\u2019d be not only unsure of what to do, but also almost puking with embarrassment at having my awkwardness called into the open.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In high school, my mom\u2019s admonitions morphed into, \u201cStop ducking your head!\u201d \u201cLook them in the eye! There\u2019s nothing to be afraid of.\u201d Pep talks that only exaggerated my reflex to crouch and slink away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n ***<\/p>\n\n\n\n I used to think my mother was annoyed with my cautious personality, but recently she told a story about my playground hesitation and I got a whole new perspective. She said, \u201cI could see how much you wanted to get out there and start playing. You were practically jumping up and down. I just had to get you to leap on out there.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n She was right. I\u2019ve never been an extreme introvert who dislikes being part of things. I did<\/em> want to play with the kids on the slide and the swings. I just needed to do it in my own time and in my own slow and cautious way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n My mom, though, was trying to help me in the only way she knew how. Back in the day, no one taught parents about how to work with different personality styles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n No one taught her how to help me with my fear. She only knew how to force me past it\u2026 which made it worse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n ***<\/p>\n\n\n\n Fast forward to when I had a son who was also a cautious little kid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n By then I had some years of therapy under my belt. I\u2019d healed and practiced my way out of a lot of my social anxiety; and I knew I had<\/em> to find a different way to help my kid learn confidence for navigating the social world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When he was four years old, my son and I often stopped in at a neighborhood bakery after preschool to reconnect over muffins and cinnamon rolls.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One day, he told me he wanted to order his own cinnamon roll, by himself. But he was too scared to do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Having had the good fortune to study empathic parenting tools with a parent coach gifted at helping me peer into the inner world of my kid (thank you, Gail Allen!), I knew what to do:<\/p>\n\n\n\n My boy and I stood side-by-side at the back of the bakery. I squatted down next to him and said (quietly so only he could hear me), \u201cYou want to order your own cinnamon roll! But you\u2019ve never done it before, so it\u2019s new and scary. It\u2019s like you fill yourself up with courage to walk up to that counter, but right before you do it, your courage leaks out and you\u2019re left with just the fear.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n He nodded, eyes round.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat you need is a Courage Buddy.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat\u2019s a Courage Buddy?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cA Courage Buddy is someone who helps you hold on to your courage so you can do a thing you\u2019re scared to do. Can I be your Courage Buddy?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Again, he nodded.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOkay. I have some ideas for how I can help you hold on to your courage. You can tell me if any of them sound good. I can help you practice what you\u2019d like to say to the baker if you want. And then, I can walk to the counter with you and hold your hand or stand next to you. Or I can wait back here, cheering you on in my mind.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n He giggled and said, \u201cLet\u2019s practice!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n We went outside and I pretended I was the baker. He walked up to me at the pretend counter and practiced ordering. Then he said, \u201cI\u2019m ready.\u201d He wanted me to wait at the back of the bakery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We walked in and again stood side-by-side. I whispered, \u201cCan you feel your courage? I can almost see it in your chest.\u201d He licked his lips, took a deep breath, and nodded. I whispered again, \u201cI\u2019ll be right here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n He marched up to the counter and ordered his cinnamon roll in a clear, loud voice. He handed over the money, received his change, and turned around, plate in hand. He ran toward me, beaming.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Quietly again, I said, \u201cYou did it! Are you proud of yourself?!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYessssssss!\u201d he squealed. And he took a big bite of the best tasting cinnamon roll the world has ever known.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The first story here highlights the two mistakes our culture almost always pushes you into when dealing with fear:<\/p>\n\n\n\n 1) You equate courage with fearlessness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2) When you can\u2019t be fearless, you feel embarrassed, so you go it alone and either give up or gut up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Neither of these perspectives generates confidence. Instead, they escalate fear and fuel embarrassment and isolation. That\u2019s what happened to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n How can you approach fear in a way that instead builds confidence, as in my son\u2019s story?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Let\u2019s examine these mistaken views about fear, so you can learn to work with it in a new, more helpful way\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n Bravery means doing something scary. <\/em>Fearlessness means not even understanding what the word scary means. <\/em>\u2014 Elizabeth Gilbert<\/p>\n\n\n\n Every day I hear my friends or my psychotherapy clients talk about how when they\u2019re scared they\u2019re obviously not brave. They believe the fear they feel is an indication that they\u2019re weak, or that they\u2019re not up to the task they\u2019re facing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n My question is this: What in the world is courage for, then?<\/p>\n\n\n\n What should<\/em> be obvious is that if you\u2019re facing something that\u2019s not frightening, you don\u2019t need<\/em> courage. The whole purpose of courage is to help you grapple with situations you\u2019re afraid of.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The difference between courage and fearlessness is revealed in the definitions of the two words:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Merriam-Webster defines courage<\/a> as \u201cmental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Fearless<\/a> is defined as \u201cfree from fear.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Note that courage helps you withstand fear; fearlessness means you don\u2019t feel fear.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n And guess what? You can\u2019t avoid fear, because you can\u2019t grow without feeling fear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s right \u2014 growth happens when you face or try something you haven\u2019t faced or tried before, which means you\u2019re stepping into the unknown. And human brains are evolutionarily wired to respond to the unknown first with fear, and then with curiosity, because the unknown is, well, not known<\/em>, so there\u2019s the possibility that it could be dangerous.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you think about it, it would be stupid for any creature to haul off into unexplored territory without some measure of fear to make them look around with vigilance to be sure they\u2019re not about to encounter something that\u2019ll kill them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n University of Toronto psychology professor and researcher Jordan Peterson <\/a>says, \u201cThe \u2018domain of the known\u2019 and the \u2018domain of the unknown\u2019 can reasonably be regarded as permanent constituent elements of human experience \u2014 even of the human environment. \u2026The brain has one mode of operation when in explored territory, and another when in unexplored territory. In the unexplored world, caution \u2014 expressed in fear and behavioral immobility \u2014 initially predominates, but may be superseded by curiosity \u2014 expressed in hope, excitement and, above all, in creative exploratory behavior.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Yes, your brain is guaranteed to express fear when you encounter unexplored territory. So the only way to live a life free of fear is to live a stagnant, small life where you never enter the domain of the unknown, you never try anything new, and you never grow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To correct the #1 mistake in dealing with fear, then, you need to normalize the emotion of fear <\/em>and develop your capacity to bear the feeling of fear.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Allow yourself to understand that you\u2019re scared because you\u2019re stretching, expanding, growing (by choice or by circumstance); and that the purpose of courage is to help you bear that fear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That means that if you\u2019re feeling fear and continuing to live, you\u2019re brave!<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Also, understand that embracing your fear doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019ll enjoy<\/em>feeling afraid. I know I don\u2019t. Even though I know it\u2019s a necessary emotion, the fear that twists my stomach every time I press \u201cpublish\u201d on a new story, for example, feels icky.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n But I won\u2019t leave you here, spinning in fear\u2019s unpleasantness. Fear\u2019s discomfort can tip toward the excitement of exploration if you \u2026 see #2.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Human beings of all ages are found to be at their happiest and to be able to deploy their talents to best advantage when they are confident that, standing behind them, there are one or more trusted persons who will come to their aid should difficulties arise. <\/em>\u2014 John Bowlby<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n So now you\u2019re feeling afraid. You\u2019re thinking, Great, Candyce, thanks.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n As promised, I won\u2019t leave you here all alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019re caught in the first fear mistake of believing that fear is weakness, you might feel embarrassed about your fear, so you don\u2019t want to tell anyone you\u2019re scared. I hope #1 helped you move through that embarrassment enough so that you can at least admit to yourself<\/em> that you\u2019re feeling afraid and that that\u2019s okay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Because what happens if you remain in fear without any kind of help \u2014 even from yourself?<\/p>\n\n\n\n You might give up on doing the scary thing because it feels too overwhelming. (That\u2019s disappointing, and maybe makes you feel bad about yourself.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Or you might gut it up and force yourself past the terror. (You might get results, but it\u2019s a brutal way to treat yourself. It means cutting yourself off from vulnerable parts of yourself, which is not an enlivening way to live and can even be traumatizing.)<\/p>\n\n\n\nLet\u2019s Talk About Fear<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
#1 \u2014 Courage Is NOT the Same as Fearlessness<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n\n\n\n
#2 \u2014 Everybody Needs a Courage Buddy<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n\n\n\n