{"id":880,"date":"2020-02-12T17:46:44","date_gmt":"2020-02-12T23:46:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/?p=880"},"modified":"2020-02-12T17:46:46","modified_gmt":"2020-02-12T23:46:46","slug":"want-to-support-your-grieving-friend-5-truths-about-what-really-helps","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/2020\/02\/want-to-support-your-grieving-friend-5-truths-about-what-really-helps\/","title":{"rendered":"Want to Support Your Grieving Friend? 5 Truths About What REALLY Helps"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p><em>We who grieve are exiled in our society. Exiled by the turning away of a face so that they do not witness my agony. Exiled by the silence left as friends and family drift away. Exiled by the lack of recognition of this universal experience. Soon enough we sit in solitary confinement feeling as if no one else has ever felt what we feel. \u2014<\/em><em>&nbsp;<\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Companion-Through-Darkness-Inner-Dialogues-ebook\/dp\/B00ADXB7X8\/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1517708201&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=stephanie+ericsson\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Stephanie Ericsso<\/em><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Companion-Through-Darkness-Inner-Dialogues-ebook\/dp\/B00ADXB7X8\/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1517708201&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=stephanie+ericsson\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>n<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>My husband, Marty, died of a sudden illness at age 39. A virus disguised itself as a cardiac cell and lured his white blood cells into feeding on his own heart, cell by cell, until the once powerful muscle was rendered useless. The virus that caused his illness strikes people of any age, randomly and insidiously.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Five months after Marty died, my friend Sadie phoned me. I took a deep breath and squeezed a sofa pillow to my chest as I talked with her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Sadie and her husband Sam had been couple-friends of ours before Marty got sick. They were stalwart supporters during Marty\u2019s illness, but our relationship had recently become strained in a way that I couldn\u2019t identify.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>She asked how I was doing. Haltingly, I told her that I was still struggling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cStill?\u201d she sighed. We sat in awkward silence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Finally she said, \u201cI\u2019d always heard it was common for a widow\u2019s friends to eventually stop calling after her husband\u2019s death, and I always thought that was terrible. But now I understand.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cExcuse me?\u201d I heard myself say in a small, distant voice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cYeah,\u201d she said, \u201cit\u2019s uncomfortable for me to be around you because you\u2019re still in so much pain. Marty\u2019s death makes me realize that what happened to you could happen to me and I can\u2019t stand to think about it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>More awkward silence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Then, \u201cI just want to be honest. Maybe we could just get together and go see a movie. The distraction would probably be good for you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Somehow I extricated myself from the excruciating conversation and hung up. I slumped in speechless disbelief as her words seeped into my pores.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Sadie was honest. But at what cost?&nbsp;In the midst of my traumatic loss, she abandoned me\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Because&nbsp;<em>she&nbsp;<\/em>was uncomfortable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Anguished and forsaken, I screamed at the silent phone, \u201cYOU\u2019RE uncomfortable?! Try waking up in my empty bed every morning!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>***<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I know Sadie had the best of intentions. She didn\u2019t mean to hurt me, and she really wanted to help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Unfortunately, we live in a culture that espouses positive thinking for every circumstance and solution-focused answers to every problem,&nbsp;so&nbsp;most people have no idea how to respond to a friend or loved one who\u2019s going through something that cannot be fixed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Situations like these leave us reeling:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>my husband\u2019s sudden and random death when I was 30 years old and the mother of a still-nursing infant;<\/li><li>my friend, a vibrant artist\/father in the prime of his life who became debilitated by inoperable cancer;<\/li><li>the daughter of one of my friends, a virgin who was brutally date-raped at age 17;<\/li><li>one of my psychotherapy clients, a mother whose only child died of cancer at age 15; and<\/li><li>another client, a mother whose only child developed a ravaging mental illness during her college years that pushed her to the brink of homelessness.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Bereavement, terminal illness, unspeakable violence, mental illness \u2014 these are only a handful of irrevocable life events that can yield indescribable suffering and grief in normal, everyday lives.&nbsp;There is simply no \u201cmaking it better\u201d when someone has sustained these kinds of life traumas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The&nbsp;awful truth is that&nbsp;such agony can only be endured, not cured.&nbsp;This kind of pain is inconsolable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In our culture,&nbsp;when we encounter a situation like this where we can\u2019t fix the problem, we have no idea what to do to help. So we\u2019re awkward and inadvertently hurtful, like Sadie. Or&nbsp;we don\u2019t want to end up embarrassing ourselves by saying the wrong thing, so we say nothing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>On top of that, most information out there about how to help grieving loved ones consists of practical lists of tasks you can do or gifts you can give. Those lists are better than nothing, but they don\u2019t do anything to quell the underlying fear and clumsiness you feel. So even when you offer a casserole or show up for a house-cleaning, you\u2019re still left to approach your friend with stilted discomfort.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>As a widow and a therapist who\u2019s studied and helped with grief for 26 years, I\u2019m going to offer you different way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019ll explain&nbsp;<em>why<\/em>&nbsp;you feel inept in the face of grief or trauma, and&nbsp;<em>why<\/em>&nbsp;our culture\u2019s standard approaches to helping with grief don\u2019t work. With that foundation of understanding, I\u2019ll give you some gentle guidelines that will help you reach out to your friend with empathy and shared vulnerability\u2026 in order to offer care that truly helps.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h1 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"be28\"><strong>Social Brains, Wired for Caring, Inadvertently Drive Callous Behavior<\/strong><\/h1>\n\n\n\n<p><em>The stronger the love, the more the pain. Love itself is pain, you might say \u2014 the pain of being truly alive. \u2014&nbsp;<\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.jcf.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Joseph Campbel<\/em><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/www.jcf.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>l<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Whether you want to face it or not, it\u2019s inevitable that you or someone you love will eventually encounter some form of inconsolable suffering.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Social reactions to this kind of anguish are varied, but most of the time when someone is experiencing raw, irrevocable grief, almost everyone is uncomfortable around them, like Sadie was around me. No one knows what to do or what to say. Even my fellow psychotherapists are frequently stymied when it comes to effectively helping people with these kinds of losses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Why is this so?&nbsp;If wrenching grief is&nbsp;ubiquitous&nbsp;to the experience of being human, why do most people react with such intense discomfort?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Your human brain is wired to be socially connected.&nbsp;An integral part of that social connection is a biological caregiving reflex:&nbsp;When you detect distress, especially in people you deeply care about, a kind of mirror-image distress occurs in you.&nbsp;That is,&nbsp;your loved one\u2019s pain makes you feel viscerally upset in a way that draws you to attend to their pain and to try to assuage it. This reaction is normal, and it can generate healthy care and concern.&nbsp;<em>(See&nbsp;<\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Secure-Base-Parent-Child-Attachment-Development\/dp\/0465075975\/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1517708378&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=john+bowlby\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>John Bowlby<\/em><\/a><em>,&nbsp;<\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Archaeology-Mind-Neuroevolutionary-Interpersonal-Neurobiology\/dp\/0393705315\/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1517708409&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=panksepp\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Jaak Panksepp<\/em><\/a><em>, and&nbsp;<\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Dynamics-Romantic-Love-Attachment-Caregiving\/dp\/1593852703\/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1517708447&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=dynamics+of+romantic+love\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Mario Mikulincer\/Gail Goodman<\/em><\/a><em>.)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>However,&nbsp;when someone you care about experiences an irrevocable loss or trauma, you\u2019re faced with a loved one\u2019s distress and grief that&nbsp;<em>cannot be soothed.<\/em><em>&nbsp;<\/em>The only thing that will&nbsp;<em>truly<\/em>&nbsp;comfort them is to bring the dead person back to life, to make the cancer or mental illness go away, to undo the rape.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The absolute truth is that you are powerless to change the conditions that are generating their pain, so you are powerless to comfort them.&nbsp;Therefore you as a caregiver feel utterly helpless at the very moment your biology is demanding that you render aid.&nbsp;<em>(See&nbsp;<\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Clinical-Applications-Polyvagal-Theory-Polyvagal-Informed\/dp\/1324000503\/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1517708628&amp;sr=1-4&amp;keywords=porges\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Ossefort-Russell in Porges<\/em><\/a><em>.)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When your caregiving reflex is hindered in this way, the natural order of things is thrown into chaos, and psychic distress occurs \u2014&nbsp;<em>for you!&nbsp;<\/em>The need to help is so basic to you as a biological creature that the distress of helplessness, if left unconscious, can be overwhelming and can cause you to strongly defend against it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Unfortunately, unconscious involuntary self-protection against caregiver helplessness is exactly what twists well-intentioned help into a mockery of soothing.&nbsp;Your mind builds a firewall of illusions that keep the burning reality of the randomness of life,&nbsp;your ultimate lack of control, and the inconsolability of grief and suffering from scorching you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When your searing biological gridlock also occurs within our always-on-the-upswing culture that treats any kind of pain or vulnerability with contempt, it\u2019s no wonder you have no training for how to truly help grieving or traumatized friends who are swamped by unbearable emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You are most likely similar to Sadie, unconsciously hunkered down in your bunker of illusory safety, banishing the truth of immutable pain from your mind, clinging to the idea that there\u2019s something you can do to make the other person get over their pain (so that you can stop feeling so bad).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So you blunder about with awkwardness when you face a griever.&nbsp;You thrash around saying and doing things you&nbsp;<em>think<\/em>&nbsp;are helpful, but which are in reality quite hurtful since the hidden underlying purpose of your actions is to alleviate your own anxiety.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h1 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"9c0a\"><strong>Common Caregiver Missteps to Avoid<\/strong><\/h1>\n\n\n\n<p><em>When dominant narratives become so deeply embedded in a society, even those whom they oppress end up internalizing them. \u2014&nbsp;<\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/us2.campaign-archive.com\/?u=13eb080d8a315477042e0d5b1&amp;id=24aa1ea22b&amp;e=0e2c328581\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Ursula K. LeGuin<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong><em>So that you can learn to do something different, let\u2019s look at 6 common, misinformed caregiver attempts at help .<\/em><\/strong><strong><em>&nbsp;These stem from the thwarted caregiver instinct, so they ultimately end up being isolating and hurtful to grievers:<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"613d\"><strong><em>1) You offer solutions or advice<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>You advise hope.&nbsp;You make suggestions for activities that will make the person feel better. You point out positive aspects of the situation. You express certainty that your friend will be okay, maybe even stronger than ever before. You tell your friend you\u2019re worried about her \u2014 maybe if she knows she\u2019s making you upset she\u2019ll take your advice and get better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t isolate.\u201d \u201cBe sure you do your grief work.\u201d \u201cCrying it out is good.\u201d \u201cYou should distract yourself so you don\u2019t cry so much.\u201d \u201cYou need to get out more.\u201d \u201cYou should stop doing so much.\u201d \u201cVolunteer work will help you focus less on your pain.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong><em>Truth:<\/em><\/strong><em>&nbsp;<\/em><em>Solutions and advice are reflexive, tone-deaf ways of trying to \u201cfix\u201d the problem of distress and grief<\/em><em>.<\/em><em>&nbsp;As I said above,&nbsp;<\/em><em>there is no fixing this problem<\/em><em>. Most of the time, especially in early grief, the very suggestion that your friend might ever feel better feels like an affront.<\/em><em>&nbsp;<\/em><em>It\u2019s&nbsp;<\/em><em>easy<\/em><em>&nbsp;for you to look in from the outside and think you know what needs to be done,&nbsp;<\/em><em>but&nbsp;<\/em><em>there\u2019s no way you can understand what it\u2019s like to be inside the body of the person who\u2019s lost everything.<\/em><em>&nbsp;If you\u2019ve been through something similar, you may have a better idea of what it\u2019s like than the average bear,&nbsp;<\/em><em>but&nbsp;<\/em><em>no two people experience loss in the exact same way.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"b86b\"><strong>2) You offer reassurance in the form of clich\u00e9d platitudes<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>You have no idea what to say, so you parrot generalized statements you\u2019ve heard from others, or trite sayings that convey your own beliefs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cHe\u2019s in a better place.\u201d \u201cWhat doesn\u2019t kill you makes you stronger.\u201d \u201cShe wouldn\u2019t want you to cry.\u201d \u201cTime heals all wounds.\u201d \u201cAt least he\u2019s not in pain any more.\u201d \u201cGod doesn\u2019t give you more than you can handle.\u201d \u201cIt could be worse.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong><em>Truth:<\/em><\/strong><em>&nbsp;<\/em><em>Platitudes such as these come across as uncaring and even insulting<\/em><em>.<\/em><em>There is nothing about any of these statements that speaks to the present experience of your friend\u2019s devastation.<\/em><em>&nbsp;They suggest certainty and sense at a time when your friend\u2019s world has exploded and absolutely nothing is certain and nothing makes sense.&nbsp;<\/em><em>These&nbsp;<\/em><em>stale sayings subtly or not-so-subtly minimize or invalidate the pain your friend is feeling, and imply that he should buck up and not feel so bad.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"b7e6\"><strong>3) You avoid mentioning the loss, the dead loved one, or the painful situation<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>You avoid the subject because you don\u2019t want to make a mistake, or you don\u2019t want to upset your friend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong><em>Truth:<\/em><\/strong><em>&nbsp;<\/em><em>Your friend is&nbsp;<\/em><strong><em>already<\/em><\/strong><em>&nbsp;upset.&nbsp;<\/em><em>Not mentioning a loss or a terrible event leaves her alone with her feelings.<\/em><em>&nbsp;<\/em><em>Your silence tells her that her distress is unwelcome in your presence<\/em><em>.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"b683\"><strong>4) You point out that \u201cnegative\u201d emotions are bad for health, so your friend should focus on \u201crecovery\u201d and \u201cresilience\u201d<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>This one is a special case of advice (see #1). You\u2019ve fallen prey to our societal belief that painful feelings are evidence of illness that needs to be cured, that we should all focus on the positive all the time, and that we should \u201cbounce back\u201d quickly when adversity strikes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong><em>Truth:&nbsp;<\/em><\/strong><a target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https:\/\/medium.com\/the-mission\/resilience-a-new-grief-myth-that-can-hurt-you-40af29639e62\"><em>Sadness, grief, anger, distress, disappointment, and other painful feelings are normal, healthy responses to difficult life events.<\/em><\/a><em>&nbsp;<\/em><em>It\u2019s only when painful feelings are disallowed that they fester and become distorted and cause problems<\/em><em>.<\/em><em>&nbsp;<\/em><em>Devastating life events permanently change us, and they take time to integrate into a life.<\/em><em>&nbsp;<\/em><em>Telling a friend who\u2019s deeply grieving that he\u2019s hurting himself with his pain is not only insulting, it can also cause him to feel ashamed or afraid because he can\u2019t possibly turn the pain off and bounce right back to a life that\u2019s been annihilated.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"85f1\"><strong>5) You extend vague offers of help<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>You&nbsp;<em>want&nbsp;<\/em>to help, but you don\u2019t know what to do, so you offer generalized help for the future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cIf you need anything, just&nbsp;call.\u201d&nbsp;\u201cLet me know if you need help.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong><em>Truth:&nbsp;<\/em><\/strong><em>Your friend is overwhelmed and will have a hard time identifying a need or reaching out to ask for help.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"a203\"><strong>6) You talk about how upset YOU are<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019m not talking about sharing in your friend\u2019s sorrow in a connected way. I\u2019m talking about bleeding your unfiltered reactions and emotions about the devastating event onto your friend; or sharing your \u201chonest\u201d discomfort about your friend\u2019s messy emotional state. (Like Sadie did with me).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You sob uncontrollably. Or you say things like: \u201cI haven\u2019t been able to stop crying.\u201d \u201cI know just how you feel.\u201d \u201cThis has shattered my world.\u201d \u201cI feel so uncomfortable being around you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong><em>Truth:<\/em><\/strong>&nbsp;<em>Yes, devastating life events affect everyone in a community.<\/em><em>&nbsp;You\u2019re probably hurting, too.&nbsp;<\/em><em>You do need to find someone to talk to about your feelings<\/em><em>.<\/em><em>&nbsp;<\/em><em>Your painful emotions also need to be expressed and not invalidated or dismissed.<\/em><em>&nbsp;<\/em><em>But you need to talk to someone besides the griever about your feelings.<\/em><em>&nbsp;<\/em><em>Pouring your unfiltered emotion onto your grieving friend demands that she take care of you in the midst of her pain<\/em><em>.<\/em><em>&nbsp;Your need for comfort adds to your friend<\/em><em>\u2019s already heavy burden.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>***<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>None of these common attempts at help actually comfort grievers or traumatized people. They suggest fixes for unfixable problems; they minimize or avoid the searing truth of unfathomable pain; and they ultimately abandon grievers at the time when they most need social connection. Which is certainly not what you intend\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h1 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"08cf\"><strong>You\u2019re Not a Bad Person For Not Knowing What to Do. I\u2019ll Help You.<\/strong><\/h1>\n\n\n\n<p>The true leaders of mankind are always those who are capable of self-reflection.&nbsp;\u2014&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Undiscovered-Self-Dilemma-Individual-Society\/dp\/0451217322\/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1517711262&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=carl+jung+shadow\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Carl Jung<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019m not trying to shame you or make you feel bad for reacting to your loved ones\u2019 losses and traumas in these unhelpful ways.&nbsp;It\u2019s biologically natural for your reflexes to move you to act in this manner, especially in a society that offers no other model for responding to horrendous life events.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>What I&nbsp;<em>am<\/em>&nbsp;trying to do is to bring this dynamic into your awareness so that you can choose to respond differently and more helpfully.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>While your brain is indeed wired to reflexively respond to your loved one\u2019s distress with the caregiving impulse that seeks to alleviate their pain (as discussed above),&nbsp;your human brain&nbsp;<em>also<\/em>&nbsp;possesses the unique capacity for self-awareness.&nbsp;When you can step back and become aware of your automatic responses, you have the power to decide whether it\u2019s wise to actually act automatically or not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s out of respect for you that I\u2019m calling your attention to the underlying dynamics that drive your hurtful grief responses, and to what your reflexive actions might be and why they\u2019re hurtful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Instead of telling you \u201cdon\u2019t do these bad things and do these helpful things instead\u201d as if I\u2019m simply teaching you some new rules,&nbsp;I want help you understand your own inner workings.&nbsp;You\u2019ll expand your own emotional intelligence and capacity for feeling when you understand what\u2019s driving your instinctual responses and why you\u2019d choose to respond differently.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>With the backdrop of understanding the underlying biological discomfort that drives your impulse to fix your friend\u2019s pain, and the fact that your friend\u2019s distress needs to be borne rather than cured, I\u2019m going to show you what to do instead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h1 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"b625\"><strong>Real Help: Companions in the Darkness<\/strong><\/h1>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Painful feelings, borne alone, can be unendurable; together with a trusted companion, they can be borne, which is the first and crucial step in their eventual transformation. \u2014&nbsp;<\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Transforming-Power-Affect-Accelerated-Change-ebook\/dp\/B0031ET11G\/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1517709281&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=diana+fosha\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Diana Fosha<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The nature of what a social human brain needs when it\u2019s in the midst of distress will tell you how to respond to your grieving friend:&nbsp;What a social brain needs when forced to face intense and overwhelming emotions \u2014 such as those your friend is experiencing at a time of loss or trauma \u2014 is to feel a resonant connection with caring others.&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Developing-Mind-Second-Relationships-Interact\/dp\/1462520677\/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1517709452&amp;sr=8-11&amp;keywords=daniel+siegel\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">We feel that connection when we feel&nbsp;<\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Developing-Mind-Second-Relationships-Interact\/dp\/1462520677\/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1517709452&amp;sr=8-11&amp;keywords=daniel+siegel\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>understood.<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>As difficult as it may be,&nbsp;to truly help your friend you need to learn to become conscious of and to&nbsp;bear your wrenching inability to help, to choicefully set aside your defenses against your helplessness.&nbsp;Then step&nbsp;<em>toward<\/em>&nbsp;your friend\u2019s suffering.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Allowing your own heart to crack open and then&nbsp;bearing to stand next to your suffering friend with that raw and open heart \u2014bearing witness to the knowledge that the pain must be borne and that nothing will fix it \u2014 is the deepest act of love there is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When you can bear to know at least a fraction of the enormity of your friend\u2019s anguish and still remain present with her, you\u2019ll begin to see that there is nothing to be&nbsp;<em>done<\/em>.&nbsp;With humbleness, you can empathically resonate with the inconsolable nature of the pain and sit caringly in its midst.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><a target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https:\/\/medium.com\/the-mission\/2-mistakes-you-make-because-youre-scared-and-how-to-avoid-them-e871142e4746\">Approaching devastating pain this directly requires courage. You might need your own support to do it.<\/a>&nbsp;But you\u2019ll find that it\u2019s worth it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In the humility of accepting your helplessness, you\u2019ll be able to&nbsp;<em>join with your friend&nbsp;<\/em>in the darkness of the pain that simply is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In the joining, your friend is no longer isolated, so the darkness is not quite so dark.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In the joining, you as a helpless helper bear some of the weight of the pain, making it a tiny bit easier for your friend to hold.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In the joining, your friend\u2019s pain may become unstuck and begin to move.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>***<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Being present like this is the best gift you can offer.&nbsp;To expand on this gift, I\u2019ll give you some concrete ways to bring this presence to your friend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h1 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"5316\"><strong>5 Ways to Offer Presence to Your Grieving Friend<\/strong><\/h1>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Generous listening is powered by curiosity, a virtue we can invite and nurture in ourselves to render it instinctive. I<\/em><em>t involves a kind of vulnerability \u2014 a willingness to be surprised, to let go of assumptions and take in ambiguity<\/em><em>.<\/em><em>&nbsp;\u2014&nbsp;<\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Becoming-Wise-Inquiry-Mystery-Living\/dp\/1101980311\/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1517709520&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=krista+tippett\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Krista Tippett<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong><em>Here are 5 gentle guidelines that can help you offer grievers the kind of companionship that makes their unbearable journey more bearable. More than a list of rules, these guidelines offer you ways of being that can inform each interaction with your grieving friend:<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"084f\"><strong>1) Be present with love<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Be willing to listen without offering advice.&nbsp;Bear to hear questions that don\u2019t have answers.&nbsp;Develop the capacity to sit through tears, expressions of anger and confusion and hopelessness, and times of numbness,&nbsp;<em>for as long as it takes.<\/em>&nbsp;Be willing to say, \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d Be willing to have your worldview shattered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s okay to show emotion yourself. Tearing up or sharing your sorrow can help your friend feel understood,&nbsp;<em>as long as you maintain your ability to cope with your own emotions, as long as you don\u2019t allow your feelings to escalate to the same level of intensity as your friend\u2019s feelings, and as long as you\u2019re not asking your friend for comfort.<\/em><em>&nbsp;<\/em>If you can be touched by your friend\u2019s experience yet still remain a strong container for her, that\u2019s ideal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s also okay for you to hold hope for your friend\u2019s future, but&nbsp;<em>inside yourself<\/em>.&nbsp;Your friend will NOT want to hear about how much you believe that he will eventually heal.&nbsp;But within your heart, you can hold a gentle confidence in your friend\u2019s ability to move through the pain and to heal.Buoyed by your own inner confidence, your actions will come through as compassionate and supportive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"60b9\"><strong>2) Familiarize yourself with the nature of grief<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>When you haven\u2019t experienced intense grief yourself, witnessing the grief process can be frightening and confusing. If you learn about grief, your own fears can be calmed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019m not suggesting that you spend hours reading about grief. There\u2019s a lot of misinformation about grief in our society anyway \u2014 like the falsity of the 5 stages and all that.&nbsp;But I offer several easy-to-access resources that describe the nature of grief and that debunk common myths our society purports about grief \u2014 some interviews, an e-book, some papers.&nbsp;<a href=\"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/grief-resources\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Click here for those resources.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Alternatively,&nbsp;ask your friend if there\u2019s something he\u2019s read about grief that has particularly helped him&nbsp;and take a look at that to understand where he\u2019s coming from.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Grief isn\u2019t static, so your friend\u2019s feelings will shift and change moment-to-moment.&nbsp;When you\u2019re being present and you understand this quality of grief, you\u2019ll be likely to recognize your friend\u2019s cues about when he wants to sit with you in the feelings, and when he wants to be treated like he\u2019s just an old friend you\u2019re having dinner with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you become familiar with what grief looks like, you\u2019ll understand what\u2019s happening as you watch your friend make it through her pain. That way, what you see in front of you won\u2019t be so daunting and bewildering. When you\u2019re less afraid, you\u2019ll be able to remain calm and steady as you support your friend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"3e68\"><strong>3)&nbsp;<\/strong><strong>Learn whom to talk to about what<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The best resource I\u2019ve ever seen for figuring out \u201chow not to say the wrong thing\u201d to someone who\u2019s going through a terrible time was in&nbsp;a&nbsp;<a href=\"http:\/\/articles.latimes.com\/2013\/apr\/07\/opinion\/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">2013 article in the LA Times<\/a>&nbsp;by Susan Silk &amp; Barry Goldman. It\u2019s called&nbsp;<em>Ring Theory<\/em>, and it\u2019s so good I\u2019m going to summarize it here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Look at this diagram and then read about what to do with it below:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/miro.medium.com\/max\/60\/1*oVFN9D7dKG6WzUCmjWSoYA.jpeg?q=20\" alt=\"\"\/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p>Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, \u201cLife is unfair\u201d and \u201cWhy me?\u201d That\u2019s the one payoff for being in the center ring.<\/p><p>Everyone else can say those things too, but&nbsp;<strong>only to people in larger rings<\/strong>.<\/p><p>When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to \u2026 provide comfort and support.<\/p><p>If you want to scream or cry or complain, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are or how icky you feel, or whine about how it reminds you of all the terrible things that have happened to you lately, that\u2019s fine. It\u2019s a perfectly normal response. Just do it to someone in a bigger ring.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>The overarching and easy-to-remember rule is&nbsp;<strong><em>Comfort IN \/ Dump OUT.<\/em><\/strong>That is,&nbsp;whenever you\u2019re talking to someone who inhabits a smaller ring than yours, offer presence and comfort; if you need to vent or get help, turn to someone who\u2019s within your own ring or in a larger one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"76ea\"><strong>4) Make the implicit explicit<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Sometimes, when you don\u2019t know what to do and you don\u2019t know what to say, when you don\u2019t know if they want to talk about their loss or whether they want to be distracted, the best thing to do is to name what\u2019s going on. (Note: This is NOT the same as blurting out whatever you\u2019re thinking in an unfiltered way, as in the list of unhelpful actions above.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In a kind and open-ended way, you can say things like:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m so sorry. What you\u2019re going through is so big that I can\u2019t even find words.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cThat sucks. That shouldn\u2019t have happened to you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cSometimes when I get upset my mind goes blank, and that\u2019s what\u2019s happening right now. Please know that I\u2019m here for you even if my words are garbled.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cI care so much that I don\u2019t know what to say.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cTrying to say something feels like it would minimize what you\u2019re going through.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cI feel drawn to give you a hug. Do you want a hug?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m open to talking about it if you want to. And I\u2019m fine with talking about something else if you want to get your mind off of it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Then follow the lead of your friend. Whether they cry, change the subject, hug you, stiffen, say they\u2019re fine, or anything else, let your next step emerge from the cues they give you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Naming that you don\u2019t know what to say or do, naming that obvious (that the situation is awful), or naming that you\u2019re open to following their lead \u2014all while being open and present \u2014 are all better options than saying nothing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"ccbd\"><strong>5) Offer specific help (with caveats)<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Grievers have a hard time thinking and a lot of difficulty identifying what they need. So instead of offering vague, generalized help like in #5 above, make concrete, specific offers:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cI can come over and walk the dog on weekday mornings.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cI can bring you dinner next Thursday.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cI can come over for two hours on Saturday to help you with any tasks that need to be done.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>However, when making these offers, remember these 3 caveats:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Always ask if it\u2019s okay before you haul off and do something. You don\u2019t want to clean up the kitchen and inadvertently throw out the last candy wrapper the dead spouse left on the counter. And sometimes people need time alone and don\u2019t want someone dropping in with dinner.<\/li><li>Don\u2019t assume that your friend has suddenly become incompetent or helpless. At times, she\u2019ll need assistance with basics that you\u2019ll be surprised by; at other times she\u2019ll want to do things on her own to remind herself that she\u2019s still alive.<\/li><li>Making the implicit explicit around offering help can make all this easier, too. Say something like, \u201cI\u2019m offering to do [<em>task x<\/em>] to help you, but I don\u2019t want to interfere. Please tell me honestly whether you want me to do this or not.\u201d&nbsp;Or, \u201cYou may want to do this yourself, but I have time and would be happy to help.\u201d<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>I hope these guidelines will give you the courage you need for bringing the best of your presence to your grieving friend \u2014 with vulnerability and shared humanity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h1 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"623e\"><strong>Bearing to Witness Suffering Heals Us All<\/strong><\/h1>\n\n\n\n<p><em>To have a compassionate culture, it boils down to two words.&nbsp;<\/em><em>It boils down to being able to ask someone, \u201cYou OK?\u201d<\/em><em>&nbsp;Just the idea that you are acknowledging the possibility that something bad has affected someone, \u2026&nbsp;<\/em><em>just really kind of taking a second to inquire in a real way about how someone is doing matters. And even if they don\u2019t tell you, and even if they lie to you, it will probably have a beneficial effect.<\/em><em>&nbsp;<\/em><em>I mean, what I hear from trauma [and loss] survivors \u2014 what I\u2019m always struck with \u2014 is how upsetting it is when other people don\u2019t help, or don\u2019t acknowledge, or respond very poorly to needs or distress. \u2026<\/em><em>&nbsp;How we behave towards one another individually and in society can really make a very big difference in the effects of environmental events on our molecular biology.<\/em>\u2014&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/onbeing.org\/programs\/rachel-yehuda-how-trauma-and-resilience-cross-generations-nov2017\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Rachel Yehuda<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The key to all help we offer to grieving friends is for us to learn to bear our own unease in the face of the helplessness we feel as caregivers when we witness inconsolable suffering in our loved ones.&nbsp;When we do, we can face the natural caregivers\u2019 anxiety that drives us toward hurtful suggestions for \u201cfixing\u201d inconsolability and choose to respond differently,<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When we have the courage to be present and undefended in the midst of our loved ones\u2019 anguish and the helplessness it generates in us, a dark and shimmering beauty emerges.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Softness settles into our eyes when the clouds of innocence are stripped away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Bearing the unbearable together engenders enlivenment and compassion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Shared pain moves and breathes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When we are connected in the utter depths of the human condition, gratitude and appreciation radiate and we sense what it means to be fully alive.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>We who grieve are exiled in our society. Exiled by the turning away of a face so that they do not witness my agony. Exiled by the silence left as friends and family drift away. Exiled by the lack of recognition of this universal experience. Soon enough we sit in solitary confinement feeling as if no one else has ever felt what we feel. \u2014&nbsp;Stephanie Ericsson My husband, Marty, died of a sudden illness at age 39. A virus disguised itself as a cardiac cell and lured his white blood cells into feeding on his own heart, cell by cell, [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":882,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[42,40,43,26,25,41],"class_list":["post-880","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-bearing-witness","tag-caregiver","tag-companion","tag-death","tag-grief","tag-grief-support"],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/880","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=880"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/880\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":881,"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/880\/revisions\/881"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/882"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=880"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=880"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=880"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}