{"id":886,"date":"2020-02-12T17:55:18","date_gmt":"2020-02-12T23:55:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/?p=886"},"modified":"2020-02-12T17:55:20","modified_gmt":"2020-02-12T23:55:20","slug":"positive-thinking-pathetic-strong-people-make-meaning-out-of-suffering","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/2020\/02\/positive-thinking-pathetic-strong-people-make-meaning-out-of-suffering\/","title":{"rendered":"Positive Thinking? Pathetic! Strong People Make Meaning Out of Suffering"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms \u2014 <\/em>to choose one\u2019s attitude in any given set of circumstances,<\/em> to choose one\u2019s own way.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014 Viktor Frankl<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl wrote the above quote in Man\u2019s Search for Meaning, <\/em>I\u2019m pretty sure he didn\u2019t mean to imply that people who are experiencing bad circumstances should \u201cthink positive,\u201d or \u201clook on the bright side.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can you imagine suggesting to any prisoner in a concentration camp \u2014 having lost everything<\/em>, starving, struggling to stay alive \u2014 that she should focus on:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

– how the experience is, in fact, a growth opportunity?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

– how what doesn\u2019t kill you makes you stronger?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

– how replacing negative thoughts with positive ones will generate positive results?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s only when lives and cruelty aren\u2019t really<\/em>on the line that we begin to believe that we are entitled to be happy<\/em>all the time like we do here in the western world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Happiness is a Right? <\/strong>That\u2019s B.S.<\/strong><\/h1>\n\n\n\n

Here, we believe that happiness is an inalienable right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We believe that people who encounter painful life circumstances bring them on with negative thoughts.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We imply that we <\/em>can use positive thinking to magically protect ourselves from painful events like those our lesser counterparts \u201cattract\u201d via their inferior negative thinking patterns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Believing we\u2019re entitled <\/em>to feel happy distorts Frankl\u2019s idea about choosing one\u2019s attitude in hard times into a mockery of itself where we use attitude choice as a goal-driven push away from feelings and toward results.<\/em> <\/em>Every day I see people inflicting <\/em>positive thinking on friends and family members (or ourselves) who are grieving or in pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Example: Years ago, an old friend of mine lost her father to a devastating illness. The next day, her neighbor showed up on her doorstep carrying a smiley-face balloon and clutching a boom box that was blasting \u201cDon\u2019t worry. Be happy.\u201d<\/em>Sheesh!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As a culture, we constantly evade the normal, natural grief that emerges from loss; the disappointment that slams into us when we\u2019re hurt or disillusioned; the anger that arises from being treated unfairly. We push these feelings underground with a collective demand for positive thinking, a demand that paradoxically reveals our terror of the feelings, a belief that simple emotions are somehow dangerous.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The idea that all painful feelings are hurtful and corrosive and that happiness is the only healthy emotional state stems from a simplistic view of emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Come on, folks! We tout our strength all over the place! We should be capable of more complex thinking than that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Emotional States Are <\/strong>Not <\/em><\/strong>All The Same<\/strong><\/h1>\n\n\n\n

Sadness over loss is not at all the same as self-pity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Outrage at having been wronged is not equivalent to contemptuous anger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Disappointment at making a mistake is not the same as a shameful giving in to failure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Life is <\/strong>full <\/em><\/strong>of painful circumstances that simply <\/strong>are<\/em><\/strong>. <\/em>There is no way to escape grief, disappointment, or other forms of suffering in a human life.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Note that Frankl also said: Not only creativeness and enjoyment are meaningful.<\/em> If there is a meaning in life at all, then <\/em>there must be a meaning in suffering.<\/em>Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death, human life cannot be complete.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And modern emotion science shows that it\u2019s when we feel ashamed of our emotions, or abandoned in the midst of intense emotional states that we don\u2019t know how to handle, that our healthy emotions morph into the corrosive bad kind of emotion. When we are instead supported to feel <\/em>the emotions that arise in response to life events, and to express <\/em>those emotions in healthy ways, the emotions themselves (even painful ones) actually generate healing, restoration, and adaptive actions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Note that expressing emotion does not equal mindlessly acting out <\/em>any emotion that comes our way. I\u2019m not advocating for spoiled toddler behavior!)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When we find a way to express our true emotions, we discover that:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

– Results are NOT the same as meaning. So forcing positive thinking on people in order for them to get results can lead to lots of meaningless productivity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

– Happiness is NOT the same as the meaningful joy that comes from feeling the full range of emotional experience. Happiness is elusive and momentary. It was never meant to be a constant state.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A Meaningful Way to Choose an Attitude<\/strong><\/h1>\n\n\n\n

What Frankl was talking about when he discussed choosing one\u2019s attitude was not positive thinking. What he was <\/em>talking about was choosing an inner stance toward suffering that imbues whatever we\u2019re going through with meaning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The attitude we can <\/em>choose that gives us true freedom is an attitude of humility. We certainly should not become passive in the face of our own or others\u2019 suffering. But we do need to admit when life is larger than we are, and to turn toward <\/em>the suffering that emerges to seek what it is asking of us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m NOT saying we should be grateful to our suffering for teaching us all kinds of wonderful things. That would be premature, perilous positive thinking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m saying that we can listen to <\/em>our suffering and find out if it\u2019s wanting us to get help, to help others, to take a break, to fight for what\u2019s right, to break apart and knit ourselves back together, to try to heal a relationship, to let go of a relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The seeds of healing and growth are embedded in suffering itself. But we have to adopt an inner attitude of compassion that accepts that suffering is terrible, <\/em>even as it is necessary; that understands that suffering is more likely to lead to growth and healing when supportive communities help <\/em>sufferers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Life is hard. There are no guarantees. We should choose an attitude of kindness toward one another. Especially during times of suffering.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The way in which a [person] accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, \u2026 gives him ample opportunity \u2014 even under the most difficult circumstances \u2014 to add a deeper meaning to his life. He may remain brave, dignified, and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for self-preservation he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a [person] either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him. And this decides whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not. \u2026 Such [people] are not only in concentration camps. Everywhere [people] are confronted with fate, with the chance of achieving something through [their] own suffering<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014 Viktor Frankl<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms \u2014 to choose one\u2019s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one\u2019s own way. \u2014 Viktor Frankl When Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl wrote the above quote in Man\u2019s Search for Meaning, I\u2019m pretty sure he didn\u2019t mean to imply that people who are experiencing bad circumstances should \u201cthink positive,\u201d or \u201clook on the bright side.\u201d Can you imagine suggesting to any prisoner in a concentration camp \u2014 having lost everything, starving, struggling to stay alive \u2014 that she should focus on: – how the experience is, in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":888,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[47,49,48],"class_list":["post-886","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-attitude","tag-meaning","tag-suffering"],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/886","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=886"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/886\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":887,"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/886\/revisions\/887"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/888"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=886"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=886"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.deepcenterforgrowth.com\/candyce-counseling\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=886"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}